Monday, August 31, 2009

Halloween II

Rob Zombie borrowed a chapter from Jennifer Lopez's The Cell from about 10 years ago in this recent rendition. There is some wicked scenes that are used to depict what is strolling around Michael Myers's squish squash brain. He is not ruminating about how to create a more fuel effiician vehicle or how Americans vote for someone like Jimmy Carter.

Sheri Moon Zombie, who must be the director's daughter, Deborah Myers returns as Michael's sister. I saw the first one but I do not recall her role that closely. She is Michael's most wanted. Michael is being pushed by his dead mother to hunt her down. Michael's pathetic and demented brain has this illusion of his mother revolving around his head. He believed killing people is healthy and moral because of this. He has a simple mind but in the body of a powerful human being who seems to be immune from consecutive baseball bat hits to the dome and several crow bar hits as well. But this is a movie. Michael instantly recovers from this normally fatal strikes and moves like a cat and kills a grown man with deer antlers.

Why do they make an Austin Powers reference to a movie that occurs in the late 1970's?

The movie continues straight from the 2007 edition. Michael is supposedly dead and he is being escorted to the morgue by two baffoons. The driver collides with an oncoming car and every dies accept the passenger who works for the town's morgue. But ofcourse the super fresh Michael takes care of this. No rest for the weary. Michael does not water, food, and certainly not Gatorade. Ofcourse this is the pre Gatorade days, so not even orange juice.

Chase Wright Vanek plays the junior psychotic Young Michael who is also known as Chase Vanek. But the latter name no longer matters nor is it used much.

Malcolm McDowell is back as Dr. Samuel Loomis who is a famous or infamous psychologist. But he failed miserably with Michael Myers. But did he? Myers should have been executed for killing people as a minor but society would not go for it. Michael excapes, is this his fault? Loomis should be blamed for the book though and for putting Deborah's face and story through the mud again. She had relive the events from the first film, two years ago. This film is about a year later and Michael has been in hibernation. He only slices people up and attacks them on or around Holloween. Where does he go, how does he survive? Pure speculation and fantasy.

Deborah ends up living with Sheriff Lee Brackett as a step sister with his daughter. He is played by Brad Dourif who was also in the 2007 prequel or remake. His daughter does not make it through this film and many others do not either. Michael kills about 15 people in this movie. A couple have guns but fail to pul the triggers in time. Some can not run away properly, terror freezes their muscles and inhibits their normal coordination. Whatever, Myers never says award unless it is as a child.

Myers is again supposedly killed at the climax. Deborah appears to take over the killing helm. The mother's soul is the truly evil one. I do not recall how she was portrayed in the first film. She is the crux of it all. She is the centerpoint of this local evil.

Why the police did not approach the shack at the end after Myers was shot twice is beyond me. It appears Loomis's character meets its demise at the culmination. Ofcourse after being assaulted by the Sheriff, and much maligned by the media, his reputation has been in the duldrums for a while now.

It is terrifying and this is the point. There are some ridiculous points but it is not as harebrained as the films over 20 years ago.

I allocate this movie three stars.***

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Across the Hall

This movie is filmed in a sort of strange manner. It is dark, not a pleasant film. It does mean it is not entertaining. But it really is not. Not only is it slow and painstaking, the characters are simple and unapealing. It certainly is not a blockbuster nor a movie that has an abundance amount of funds supporting it.

Do guys really take baths? Well, the movie's picture is totally unelaborate. It is not a colorful visual experience. The director mixes up the story line. The ending conversation is placed at the outset and the scenes intermingle but the script is not cohesive. It is not that original and is not as grasping as a Tom Clancy book-not even close.

Perhaps this director deserves a medal for making something though on such a tight budget.

This movie mainly occurs at a old hotel called The Riverview. It has alot of history apparently but that is just a backdrop. Danny Pino is Terry who is the husband. He suspects his wife is having an affair and this drives him to a demented place. It is a crushing blow for any spouse, but his reaction is unhealthy and perhaps criminal. Apparently he married the wrong person.

Brittany Murphy is June who is the wife. She still seems too young or looks too child like to be a wife. She is also unfaithful and her husband evidently did not detect his best friend had something for her before they were married.

Mike Vogel plays Julian who is not a good friend. This movie offers this as something worth speaking about, a little thrill to the audience. The movie begins with Terry and Mike having a strange conversation. When we know Terry is planning something diabolical it is revealed his friend Mike is the one who has slept with his wife. Oooo...

Mike is really terrible. Perhaps the worst one. He is willing to voluntarily sacrifice an innocent bystandard to possibly escape from his devious deed.

The only person I felt sorry for was the bellhop. He is treated disrespectful by his younger co workers and at times the main characters. Do hotels, or certain ones, stilll require that type of uniform to be worn? That hat seems pretty demeaning. Perhaps it is a certain east coast requirement or detail.

The very thin Natalie Smyka plays Anna and seems to be one of the few people in this film who makes correct decision. She does not want any part of this plan. When she kicks Mike out of her room, perhaps this saves her life.

Mike could have gotten away from this sin if he did not leave his phone in the room with June. Though one make escape the punishment of man, that is impossible to do with the Lord.

Brittany Murphy is still pretty, she has not changed one bit from 8 Mile. Too bad her character ends fatally. She did not measure the consequences of her actions though. Her husband is not afraid to go all the way in many aspects. Some wicked.

I am not sure what it would take for someone to enjoy a film with this type of flow and story lines. I did not. I would not pay for it. I would not even rent it. This music is devoid of any decent music or writing intrigue.

To be truthful though, this movie is still superior than Cage's Wickerman and Stallone's Judge Dredd. Across the Hall does have a twist at the end, or an ending that one may not assume or accurately detect. Perhaps there is some justice involved in what happened. But mortally eliminating another human for this reason, taking the law into one's hands in this instance, Terry will be judged eventually. It is unescapable. How does Danny gain the trust of the bellhop is beyond me? If it makes any sense, it is not worth my time to figure it out.

I allocate this movie one star.*

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino strikes again. This movie is a comical twist and story only he would gravitate too. Personally, I have seen enough movies like this. One was just made several months ago when the main character was working for the Nazis. His wife was the sexy Vera Farmiga. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas was the title and the ending was tragic. But some would say it was just desserts in its most horrific form.

Anyway, Brad Pitt is the chosen character in this film and he gets the go ahead from Quentin to play with his voice again, but not as over the top as he displayed in Snatch. When Pitt says "Nazis" it is hilarious. He pronounces the A like it is in the work apple, not as an O which is how it is designed to be stated. I thought it was humorous every time he said Nazi because of this.

Lt. Aldo Raine is Pitt's character. He is from the southern part of the US and is granted the right to choose eight Jewish American soldiers to be dropped off in Nazi occupied France and terrorize the Nazis. They would ambush German soldiers and torture them. This never occured and would debase any civilized military and the people they represent. This is totally fiction and never occured. Tarantino is perfect for this type of movie. But is not any Pulp Fiction. It is superior than the ridiculous kung fu movie called Kill Bob. Even the title is moronic here.

The hot blond Diane Kruger makes an appearance as Bridget von Hammersmark. This is appropriate since she is German.

This movie has long periods of endless dialogue. I would rather them make movie where some bad ass soldiers are dropped off in Pakistan to kill and main Al Queda. But with flying weaponized drones, this is probably too risky and unneccessary.

Tom Cruise also had his Valkyrie movie which we were given last year. I have seen enough WWII movies. Nothing will beat Saving Private Ryan with that genre of film. Atleast nothing I can think of at this moment. This movie was made for the people who never served in the military, do not view Al Queda as a real or evil threat, and really do not understand the history of WWII. Now it is a just a period of time to make a mockery of and relish. Just hopelessly just under the fantasy notion of Harry Potter. Atleast Harry Potter has the dignity and chutzpah to admit it is pure fantasy, the stretched out line of string of someone's imagination.

Til Schweiger from the amazing racing movie Driven stars in this film. He has impressed Raine and the basterds because he killed several Gestapo candidates while they slept. He was on his way to his unpleasant demise at the hands of the Third Reich when he was broken free by the basterds. Now he gets to continue his psychotic mayhem.

When the basterds have to learn Italian in a span of a day or so, that is hilarious. Raine orders one of his team members to begin studying right now, that was amusing.

Christoph Waltz plays a vicious but manipulative Nazi named Col. Hans Landa. He has some serious screen time in this film. His acting is substantial but some of these scenes are time consuming.

The musical score is weak and this story backdrop is quite redundant to me. Pitt is funny though and Kruger is glorious. I would never sit through it again.

I know this movie was goofy when Mike Myers appeared. But this movie is only slightly a little less preposterous as his famous movies known as Austin Powers.

I am real glad Pulp Fiction was not as fake as this movie. It is wonderful that Pulp Fiction was not filmed in the quick and quirky manner as this pseudo and make believe movie. The ending just sucked the acting skills of the characters like a black hole and was replaced by sick chaos. Hitler was protected by much more than just a few bodyguards but this is not even worth saying. The ending of this movie was just a total sham. Landa was given what he has been given out for some time now. But it is just so ridiculous, it was like a spoof on WWII films. I am not a fan of Tarantino films any more and I will never sit through those Kill Bill movies.

Yes, Wicker Man is still worse.

I allocate this movie two stars.**

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Time Traveler's Wife

Strike one up for the females. This movie was designed and written for them. But atleast Rachel McAdams is present. A beauty like that deserves us to stand at attention when she graces herself with her presence. She plays Clare Abshire who chooses to fall in love with a man who is cursed. He can remain in the same time as her.

Eric Bana is the man who Clare falls head over heals for. Henry DeTamble is this man's name and he has been given something that is completely not a gift. And not only does he he disappear from time to time, his mother dies early in his life and he can not even prevent it. Henry has a genomic anomaly of which mankind does not have an answer for. No one would believe it if he told them. He has to show them his ability to disappear, but this is fandom.

Apparently his clothes do not follow him when he time travels. This aspect was borrowed from the Terminator script. His bouncing around time like a basketball is something that the outstanding show Lost brought to light. This movie is not totally a romantic episode, there is some science to it which makes it somewhat worthwhile.

If Clare wanted a normal life, she should not have married a man who has a strange and one of a kind disorder. That is her fault. She knew this ahead of time and thought it was cool. The repercussions could have been imagined. But perhaps not. Henry repeatedly meets her in a pleasant meadow. When they can not have a baby together Clare is distraught. The baby may have the same twisted gene as the father. But Clare still had the choice to not marry Henry. She is the won who invited him into her life. She bears the responsibility for this. Henry does not even have a job. Did he ever graduate from college, or even High School?

Henry bounces around time and in one scene he is fighting some guy who has some decency. This guy does not like the outfit Henry has on. Henry is dressed like some disgusting gay man from San Francisco. He was asking for someone to display some standards or expect some. Hollywood, in all its liberal wisdom, makes this man out to be a terrible person. Henry wins the fight which must put a smile on the Fannie and Freddie Mac liar and immoral politician Barnie Frank.

This movie is more of a drama than anything. It is pretty melodramatic but it fails to capture my attention. Are these two peoples' issues that important to movie audiences? I doubt it. This movie may last two weekends in the theatres but that is probably about it.

Henry lives a precarious existence. He must steal clothes every time zone he lands in. Sooner or later, he will be shot or possibly maimed for this action. On one occasion, he is arrested for burglary but he disappears from the backseat of the patrol car. Much to the dismay of the arresting officer.

The movie is a lovely fairy tale story. A picture book ending, quite sweet and awefully romantic. Glad I did not pay for it. Too bad is just as charismatic as watching the Kansas City Royals play the Oakland A's. McAdams is stunning as always though.

I allocate this movie two stars.**

Sunday, August 16, 2009

District 9

This movie was unique but had some direct elements from previous films. Not one character in this film is recognizable by name only. This movie had local African actors, both white and black. Ofcourse they could have been local car sales people and managers in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Yes, this movie took place in South Africa.

The main character is basically a geek, a pencil pusher who works for a company that is managing the aliens that have arrived to our planet. His name is Wikus Van De Merwe. He knows how to administer and use white out with the best of them I am sure. But he seems to be clueless in the field.

The plot of this movie is that an alien spacecraft enters our atmosphere and stops right above Johannesburg. The world is mesmerized as one can expect. For three month, nothing occurs. Finally, helicopters descend onto the spacecraft and workers cut their way through the doors and find destitute and starving aliens being housed in large rooms within this space craft. This spacecraft seems to be about a mile wide and about 700 feet wide. It has a circular shape.

The aliens are brought down to Earth and allowed to live in Johannesburg. A makeshift but controlled housing project is set up. It is basically a shantytown. The aliens seem to not care since they seem to be scavengers scrounging around the ground for food and items to play with. They seem to be on their way to some sort of interncamp or alien work station but have overtaken their guards and kidnappers but do not seem to know how to operate the spacecraft or how to return to their home planet. I say this because when they are found, they are in dire straights, scared, trapped in terrible conditions large container type rooms. They also have weapons which are exotic but we can not fire them since they can only be operated by their hands or appendiges. There is a biological controlling function which makes them pretty much useless to us. This is why they are selling them to the Nigerian underground elements for cat food. Yes, this movie does paint Nigeria in a terrible light. Nigerians are known for Internet scamming, but control the contraband and organized criminal activity in South Africa? Strange. Why would it not be South African gangsters doing this?

The aliens seem to be quite gullable and kind. Humans are painted as treacherous and nasty here. In one scene, an alien is brutally killed by a Nigerian gangser while his friends laugh their behinds off.

They are taller than us, they are about 7 feet tall and procreat on Earth. They have two arms, legs, and eyes. They can jump about 30 feet, and can probably overmatch humans on any physical scale. They have a proclivity towards cat food and resemble prawns. Prawns seems to take a derogatory term that most humans give them. They are stronger than humans, some are atleast by a massive amount. One scene has an alien kicking a human to death in a disgusting manner. One human is thrown about 15 feet and about 7 feet in the air. No human could throw another human like this. Perhaps a strong grown man compared to a child, but not another 180 pound human.

This movie raises many questions. First off, this would be an international issue, not solely a South African one. The organization seems to have an international acronym but I only saw South African locals managing the aliens. This movie is film sort of like Cloverfield, in real time, but unlike Cloverfield, people are interviewed about the events that unfold.

This spaceshit hovers about 2 miles above Johannesburg and not one country wants to board it and investigate it? That is preposterous.

So, this organization is forced to relocate the aliens since the citizens of the city are tired of having these aliens around them. For all sort of reasons, I would not want to have them around me. It is just a giant slum and they have been there for 20 years now. A large waste basket. So, a massive concentration camp, tightly controlled, with white plastic cover for the homes and with I am sure aluminum framing. It is more organized and controlled by this multinational company.

Merwe is astounded he is chosen to lead this operation. He is with 1-2 armed guards and another white collar assistant. The prawns are not happy about leaving their horrendous conditions. Merwe also searches any suspicious homes for weapons.

Merwe searches one home that seems to be the leaders or thinkers of the prawns. They find some coveted chemical in the trash and take it back to their lab. When this small compound is surrounded by humans they are trying to find a way to hide this chemical which is put into a metal cylindrical canister. Merwe is searching these homes without any protective glasses, masking, or suits. Quite strange. Then, when he finds this canister he plays with it. It splits and some of it splatters in his face. It has a profound affect on his senses. But he plays it off, continues on his day, and returns home to a surprise birthday party. This is where the movie sort of borrows the script from the movie The Fly. Like Jeff Goldblum in that disgusting movie, parts of his body fall off or tears off quite easily without pain. Like Merwe's fingernails for instance.

Merwe is a dumbass. He tries to hide this but when he visits a local hospital since his hand is killing him, the doctors notices-it is hard not to-his hand is alien. At this point, I believe the aliens have a chemical to turn humans into them. Which is quite shocking.

The company wants to harvest Merwe's body and sell it to science acadamies and companies all over the world. To the highest bidder I am sure. Like Species, which is ridiculous on both movies, he breaks loose and remains hidden for about 2 days. He returns to the prawns shack where he found that canister. That chemical is also fuel for the spaceship. There is a mini spaceship underneath this shanty. This is not explained. The South Africans would have been all over this spacecraft and have confiscated it.

This movie is exceptional in that most of it is unique and has some wonderful action scenes. Merwe wants that chemical when that alien says it can lead to his human revival. This scene is more extensive than this but I have to continue. Merwe wants to break into the socalled multinational company's headquarters and steal it. He needs weapons. He goes to the Nigerian gangster's lair and receives their abuse. But he is willing to buy weapons. The leader of them wants to eat his arm to gain their power. Yes, I am serious. The gangster tells his men to cut off Merwe's arm, but Merwe grabs one of their weapons and fires it. He can use it because he has alien biology. The commanding gangster, who has a similiar character to the Jamaican gangster in Predator II, is impressed but Merwe escapes this time.

The thinking alien has a son who seems to be electronically trained and computer literate. The organization is on to Merwe after his wife calls him. They track his location. This company captures the thinking prawn but they can not find his son nor do they know about him. A wild action scene results. Merwe gets to use the gangster's large robot toy which they traded for for cat food, 100 cans I believe. This robot toys has all the capabilities of Iron Man but sustained flight. It has kinetic weapons at a machine gun rate. Remember the gun from Arnold Schwarzenegger's Eraser, this weapon is like that. He has multiple weapons that are connected to the mechanical robot's forearm. They are extremly powerful and no doubters. They just blow up the human body. A bullet proof vest is just not necessary. Why the prawns never used it against us is probably because it could only get some so far. Human run cars into and use a 50 caliber on it which eventually brings it too it's knees. Merwe escapes and hides. The thinking alien uses the mini spacecraft to escape with his son to the mother ship.

The thinking alien, informs Merwe he will return in 3 years to transform him back into a human. With their medical technology, this is possible. It does set itself up for a possible sequal.

This movie was exciting and invigorating. Not one noteworthy character is seen. Despite this, there is not one wasted scene though. But I am conflicted because several components of this movie do not make allot of sense which I have mentioned. For reiteration, not one country wants to investigate this giant spaceship floating above our planet? Albeit it is quite unique and the action scenes are spectacular.

I allocate this movie three stars.***

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Ugly Truth

The bright blond Katherine Heigl is in this average romantic comedy which Hollywood seems to pump out about every 3 weeks. Abby is her name

This movie revolves around sex, so original. I do have to give this movie some credit though since it occurs in Sacramento. That is my home town and Hollywood usually occurs in about 5 places in the USA. But Eddie Murphy's movie about 2 months ago took place in Denver and now Hollywood ventures into Sacramento. That is wonderful to see some new sights and cities on Hollywood's radar.

Too bad the baseball scene was not actual. West Sacramento hosts the River Cats. This is a A's Triple A affiliate and their stadium is tremendous. It is actually better than where the A's play in Oakland. I have been to the Coliseum numerous times.

300's Gerard Butler is in attendance. He was sucked into this movie, his agent probably said to put this on his resume. Mike is his characater's name and he takes the idea from the Man Show and does it one better. He informs the public on his low budget show on what men really think about and what really want. He believes he knows everything and seemingly does. His knowledge of relationships is vast and he is not politically correct. Most likely men would favor this sort of talk and woman would detest and abhor it. He does speak the truth but his anti-relationship and belief there is not any healthy and fun relationship misguided. My parents debunk that theory instantly.

This movie is predictable from the beginning. The ending is quite obvious. The plot is this, Abby is the producer of a morning news program in Sacramento. It is weak and boring. The ratings are deplorable. The top manager, her supervisor, says they need to think outside the box. He likes Mike's show and personality and they decide to add a 5 minute segment of Mike's advice and beliefs to the news outlet. It is a success and Mike's popularity soars. Abby, ofcourse loaths Mike and his attitude about relationships. She is a control freak and everything Mike says seems to come correct. Abby can not understand nor admit this.

Mike is supremely confident in what he says and believes and he even decides to help her on a relationship. This only leads to them interacting more and become pretty close. This is OK, but when Mike buys covert secret service communication equipment to tell her what to say on the date, this is incredible. Mike attending the baseball game to help out Abby on a date-ridiculous. Like he has nothing else to do. He is a busy person with responsibilities, this scene is just over the top. Abby putting her hands in the doctor's crotch to wash some spilled soda is not realistic. Not the type of person she is, she deserved to get embarrassed like she did.

Abby's relationship with this doctor flourishes despite the doctor not even noticing how much time she spends talking with Mike.

Mike receives an offer from a station in San Francisco. Abby's boss wants her to talk him into remaining. Mike is invited to discuss his ideas on the Craig Ferguson show. Craig is hilarious by the way. Much funnier than this movie. The writers toss in the word neurotic and that seems to be what they want us to feel. Obsession and anxiety regarding relationships what the characters should do.

Mike could easily form a relationship with someone else, he chooses not to. Falling in love with Abby does not mean he is completely wrong, she changed more than him. She learned much more than him. The question is, can he retain or continue his segment, on any network, while living and loving someone like Abby? Abby was intrigued and interested with him from the beginning. She was a professional and attractive, that was her strengths. I said attractive but not hot. I am not big on her. Where is Christina Applegate? Or Jenny Garth? Those are blonds worth admiring.

A hot air balloon does not rise that fast either. Certainly I am glad most of the movie occured in Sacramento.

This movie did have some decent scenery. The music was OK. But not once did I laugh out loud.

I allocate this ho hum movie two stars.**

Sunday, August 9, 2009

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

If you want to see a movie that is filled with action but devoid of a plot, this is it. This movie does not even come close to Wolverine, Star Trek, and certainly not Transformers II but it is a movie and does have some attractive faces. That is an understatement, Sienna Miller as the Baroness is just ridiculous. Miller is hot in reality but she is out of this world in this movie.

The movie begins in the 17th century or so when a man is being sentenced to death for being caught selling weapons to France's enemy. This man is a long long ancestor to the villian in Gone In 60 Seconds Raymond Calitri. Christopher Eccleston is the actors name and in this film he known as McCullen or Destro. The former when he is the acting CEO but his hidden name is the latter to his covert terrorist organization. He is not like Stark in Iron Man since McCullen is not the one engineering the weapons, it is Kevin J. O'Connor who plays the twisted Dr. Mindbender. He is a master with nano technology. He manipulated nanotechnology to devour entire cities and also alter the human capacity and free will of his fellow man.

This movie starts out good and has some cool action but goes off the ridiculous scale when they show the pit which is based manned by the top scientists and special forces the world has to offer. It is in Egypt, camoflouged by sand and must cost no less than $200 billion. There are several levels, included a massive underground water tank to test underwater weaponry and what not. Transformers the movies are obviously not real but they are accurate to the levels of governments and current technology. GI Joe is just absurd. But atleast people die in this movie, which never occured in the cartoon which we all thought was comical.

Fighter's Channing Tatum is Duke and he does an OK job. He has the tough guy image but his lines are so obviously scripted. He should spend less time in the weight room and a little more in acting class. He is a special forces soldier and is given a task of transporting some nanotechnological weapons. Why they are not more heavily guarded or guarded by the Joes at the outset is beyond me.

This team is also comprised by the funny man Marlon Wayans who pumps up to play Ripcord. Wayans is not an action hero and proves it in this movie but he is funny. He wants to fly planes but is in the process of just ruminating this thought. Ripcord is hurt but Duke puts up a decent fight against this unkown terrorist organization that is soon to be name Cobra. They want those weapons for nefarious purposes. The weapons which are in a suitcase are retrieved by the Joes led by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje who plays Heavy Duty. Echo for us Lost fans. Good to see him in this movie despite this movie being pretty weak. The special affects are so obvious, totally unlike Transformers II. This is redemption to me since I never really cared for GI Joe when growing up, always showing a predilection towards Transformers. Since the latter has Michael Bay on its side, Transformers is in good hands. GI Joe has gone the Triple X II route which was just stupid action with my favorite rapper Ice Cube. XXX II displayed action which was so obvious to be unreal, it just sucks the joy away from the film. Certainly the credibility.

This is where the stunning red head Rachel Nichols is shown who plays Shana 'Scarlett' O'Hara. Scarlett is beautiful. The Three Kings Saïd Taghmaoui does not poor oil down anyone's throat in this movie, he is Breaker and is a computer expert. He uses technology to grab traces of thought from someone after they have deceased. Dennis Quaid is General Hawk and he is the leader of the Joes. He is the outside representative to the governments of the world. But his leadership role is rarely seen in this light. The editor of this movie cut his lines short, one in particular that I remember seeing in the previews. Why? This is where a politician asks him what did he call his unit again and Hawk says, "I didn't." The Joes are covert, beyond the Delta Force. But as real as Harry Potter.

So the team retains the nanotechnological weapons after Duke loses about 30 fellow soldiers and alot of hardware. The Joe team does a poor job in identifying themselves which leads to Tatum displaying in pathetic acting skills. I am not sure how his choice as Duke but oh well. Tatum refuses to give up the weapon displaying his inrepidness after Cobra leaves without the weapon they have killed many soldiers to obtain. McCullen is agitated at his girlfriend the Baroness. He orders her to continue the mission but Storm Shadow will accompany her the next time. He is played by Byung-hun Lee and wears white. His nemesis is Snake Eyes who is also part of this Joe team from the outset. He is played by Ray Park. Both are experts with the sword who seem to be able to avoid being shot. Storm Shadow throws ninja stars with skills that would rival the supervillian Bulls Eye. Like I said, this movie is totally fiction. I am not saying someone could not maim or put someone down with a ninja star by this being one's primary weapon and in one scene eliminating four running guards with guns with these stars is just preposterous.

OK, so the Joes return to their myserious base called The Pit and they get to know each other. Duke and Ripcord make the team and show off their skills. Ripcord has the opportunity to hit on Scarlett. Scarlet is scantily clad and running on a treadmill in a massive underground bunker that appears to be teeming with personnel. It appears there is a couple of hundred of soldiers and scientists. This hottie is single and no one is attempting to hit on her until Ripcord comes along, whatever. He is not the only black soldier in the base.

Cobra strikes. The range of assets both sides seem to have is just inane. These weapons would make Predator jealous. Now all of a sudden The Pit only seems to have about 15 soldiers on duty who seem to not be able to press an alarm. Cobra does have a shock wave weapon which can eliminate about 10 men with one blast. The model Karolina Kurkova who has stunning curves is
Courtney A. Kreiger or Cover Girl. Storm Shadow kills her which is just a waste. Not necessary. he could have just rendered her unconscious. The Mummy's and a top enemy in the stunning show 24, Arnold Vosloo is involved in this siege. He is Zartan and he takes hold of the nanotechnoligical weapons after Storm Shadow overtakes General Hawk.

The next major action scene is in France where Cobra uses this weapon to destroy The Eiffel tower. McCullen avenges the French for what they did to his ancestor. His ancestor was a criminal and a traitor so I am not sure how McCullen justifies this. Storm Shadow is the one who fires the weapon which collides with the tower and then devours the metal. Duke jumps into the Cobra escape craft, which resembles Skynet's super fighter craft in the sorry Terminator Salvation, and hits the kill switch. This saves the rest of Paris since the nanobots would have spread around the city eating all the steal in its path.

Cobra has turned a hummer into a super M1 Abram but with more speed. They copied a page from Transformers which is hilarious, the front becomes a collision bumper. This is from the first Transoformers when the Deceptican is just tossing cars all over the high way as he blazes a path after the Allspark and the Autobots and soldiers protecting it. This hummer is being chased by Duke and Ripcord in super suits that have a mini hell fire missiles on their forearms. They only fire this once. What? One shot knocks up the Hummer from the rear, how about fire a few more? What were they planning on doing when reaching it? Snake Eyes was already there. It seemed like they were just getting some exercise and having fun wearing those suits. These suits did everything but fly, nothing short of Iron Man accept that. That Hummer would have been toast despite having its own defenses. It should have been an easy target.

The end of GI Joe is just spectacularly illogical. Cobra's HQ is under the arctic ice in a hideout base that would probably cost about $300 billion to fund. McCullen runs the MARS company which engineers weapons for countries around the world. The are like Boeing, Lockheed Martin, and BAE systems to the 5th power. This is why the Pentagon spreads around its funding so not one arms manufacturer could ever sprout this far and wide.

General Hawk is in command of a submarine, which is not simple, that is the size of 10 Red Octobers. It is about 2,000 feet long and about 200 feet wide. Just massive and it spits out about 40 mini attack submarines with Heavy Duty leading the charge. The Cobra defenses are massive and McCullen is using the three remaining nanotechnoligical weapons to destroy three cities. Cobra has put them in ICBM's which he has. I guess no one in the world ever noticed this occuring. Moscow, Shenghai, and Washington DC are the targets. Fortunately, Ripcord knows how to fly just about anything and Cobra has a few supersonic planes which seem to fly about Mach 10 just sitting around. Ripcord hops into one which were only guarded by two guards which were shot down by Scarlett on a raging jet ski from about a mile out. Laughable.

Ripcord destroys the Shenghai ICBM with a missile from the jet ski. That was some quick thinking. Why he is the only one to think of this, oh well. He chases down two of ICBM's in this Cobra supersonic plane and eliminates them. That is pretty cool, the way that was done.

The movie was action packed. I have to give it that. Even when explaining characters, it was interesting. Unlike Hulk II from last year which was just disappointing. That was even worse than Terminator Salvation.

GI Joe took some losses but saved three cities and millions of lives. But Zartan, with Dr. Mindbender's evil wizardry, assassinates the President while he is down in his bunker and using nanotechnology, his body becomes identical to him. Zartan was posing just like a Secret Serviceman and kills two of them while he turns into the President. Dr. Mindbender and Destro both have metal faces now, I can not explain everything, and are captured. It is said that GI Joe have two knew bases to base their planet saving operations from. This movie never made me laugh despite Marlon's attempts. It was not boring though. The casting for the females was well done. Miller never seemed to be that plush, she was not skinny in this movie.

I give this movie two stars.**

Monday, August 3, 2009


I doubt too many people will want to adopt a child after this movie is made. I wonder if Madonno or Angelina Jolie have experienced this? This couple did not spent enough time before they made the ultimate decision to allow this disturbed child to become a member of the family. They should have atleast of found out the mysterious reason why she refuses to ever remove her necklace.

The sexy Vera Farmiga stars in this copy cat film. She plays the worthless parent named Kate Coleman. The other pathetic parent is John Coleman. Peter Sarsgaard from another strange and unbelievable movie known as the The Skeleton Key. These two easily manipulated parents adopt the bizaare, to say the least, 9 year old Russian girl named Esther. Isabelle Fuhrman is the actress.

Esther is a total nutjob. She intimidates other children and/or harms them. She has the capacity for murder and murdered a nun. The Coleman's have a deaf daughter who is forced beyond her will to hide the body of this unsuspecting victim.

The Coleman's did not complete any type of background check on this girl. Even after the body of the nun is found they refuse to even be a little suspicious of the matter. The nun is the person who most frustrated me in the spectacular show The Shield. Her inside manhunt exhausted department resources while real criminals and threats paved their way. CCH Pounder is the nun ofcourse and her name is Sister Abigail.

The Coleman's kids are terrified and are total victims in this matter. They are threatened with their lives and their parents can not even sense the terror in their eyes and thoughts. No way this is humanly possible but this a pure fantasy.

Esther should not have been adopted by anyone until she agreed to change her clothes and even act half way normal. She proved to be a non team player even at the outset. I do not care if she was painting better than Thomas Kinkaid. Her strange vibe could have been felt 100 miles away.

She plays the gullable and meager parents against each other.

This movie does not have any impressive music. It has a few comical scenes but the movie is predictable as any other similiar horror movies. For instance, his wretched Hide and Seek movie is of the same ilk. Too bad he agreed to a movie far below his ability and clout. But, he could scratch this wish off his list.

This movie was absurd from the beginning but it became Harry Potterish after the nun scene. Esther is probably Joseph Stalin's daughter. He would be proud? Why is she so evil?

The son should have taken those pictures his sister showed him instantly to his parents. I think a child of his own age would have figured this out. But again, this movie is twisted and needs to continue allowing Esther to devastate this family. The Grandma is about as stupid as they come as well. She should have known by this point that Esther was devious and giving her a dollar at that point was not the right move.

Wow, John begins to cry at the end? Are you serious? I guess this is the gay 21st century father.

Karel Roden makes a cameo at the end though. I like that. He has proven himself in many films. Dr. Värava does add some clarity to this movie and shed some light on what is occuring. Regardless, the hopeless parents should never have adopted this loser and wicked child. Leave it up to governments to not take care of someone this dangerous. Though Esther is not as menacing to society as Barnie Frank.

John had a rough ending and meets his doom but his denial and failure to see what was right in front of him, what can we say. I mean, after this little girl or middle aged woman tries to hit on him and dresses like a Broadway tramp, and he still just lets her walk away with just a little threat, too soft.

All Kate can say is stop it at the end. She is devoid of brains and answers and adequate responses. Her husband is just a puppet of this master mind of a child. Russia was glad to export this nasty product. This child is innate evil. But the movie is horrendous. Though still 3 times better than Cage's Wicker Man.

I allocate this movie one star.*

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Funny People

Spike Lee accused Quentin Taurantino of using the "N" word too many times in the movie Pulp Fiction but I am accusing Adam and Seth for using the word "cock" too many times. It is just ridiculous how many times they used it in this movie. Another title could have been "Dying Man" since half of it centers around some mysterious disease tearing in George Simmons's body who is Sandler's character name.

Seth Rogen is Ira Wright is a comic with potential. Simmons has a debilitating disease who screwed up a wonderful relationship and has alienated many of his friends and family. Ira steps in and is ecstatic about this opportunity, this is a step up from working in a bakery. It is a win win. Simmons still wants to work and maintain a schedule but he does not have the energy nor drive to write his own material. Simmons has also accumulated alot of material possessions that all of us would love but since he is a multi millionaire, he has these items any how. So Ira becomes his personal assistant and befriends him as well. They both seem to gain with this arrangement.

Ira learns what it is like to be a superstar hanging out with Simmons. Ira soon becomes entangled into Simmons's personal life. Simmons had a gorgeous wife named Laura played by the bleach blond Leslie Mann.

When Ira took this position, Simmons first wanted to hire Leo Koenig played by Jonah Hill and Ira. But Simmons called Ira's phone and Ira informed Simmons Leo had other things going and would probably not be interested. Later on, Leo finds out about this slight cover up and is upset. This leads to heated rivalry and a possible division between. Leo and Ira are roommates along with Jason Schwartzman who plays Mark Taylor Jackson. All three are trying to make it in the show business world and Mark has a head start. He plays a teacher in a dorky child's sitcom and is receiving some hefty paychecks because of it. He does not fail to let his roommates know about his modest success.

Sandler and Seth hog most of the spotlight in this film. The movie is stormed in the last half hour though by a surprising Eric Bana who plays Clarke. Clarke is Australian and is a sleezebag, he is married to Laura. After Simmons overcomes this grim reaping disease by sheer luck he wants to give this relationship a second chance. Despite Clark and Laura being married and having two daughters. This blows up in their faces and Ira detects this before it spins out of control. The dynamics here are certainly not going to be laid down by me since the movie is good but it is not The Departed or The International.

This movie, is almost like a love story between Ira and Simmons but neither are gay and Simmons knows he was in the wrong at the end. Ira probably should not have gone to the airport and he certainly should not have allowed himself to be sited by Clarke while he was rekindling his relationship with Laura. Simmons messed this relationship up he had with Laura and should have just moved on. Laura gave Simmons a window to intervene or approach her when she tells him that her husband is an adulterer. A serial one with woman overseas. Clarke is an overseas businessman who travels to China and Australia on a regular basis. Eric Bana is allowed to use his normal Australian accent in a full swing in this film.

Leo's career is given some light when he earns a small role in the same show that Mark is in. Leo is ofcourse happy and does not care about this spinning web that his old friend Ira finds himself tangled in. Obviously this causes further frustration with Ira. The climax of this movie is when Clarke, Ira, and Simmons are fighting each other in the front lawn of Clarke and Laura's beautiful home (though not as large as Simmon's ofcourse). Like I said before, Ira should have been present and offered some advice to Simmons but lying about buying some cigarettes and running off to the airport, not bright nor prudent. After Simmons is made to look pretty bad and his attempt to split the marriage fails, he and Ira return home in a tension filled atmosphere. Ira attempts to spread some virtueous advice to Simmons saying he will never be happy because his mental state is off kilter. Simmons rejects this and summarily fires Ira for seemingly making these events worse but Simmons is the one who was playing with fire.

I am not sure if there was ever a contract written up between them but if Ira did not grab some of those flat screen TV's, furniture, art, etc., he is a fool and blew that opportunity. Simmons did not want that stuff and made it quite clear and certainly wanted to separate himself from all this idle stuff.

Ira returns to the mall bakery to work. He jumps immediately back into the stand up comedy routine at the place called the Improv. Ira is funny and this ability is what attracts Simmons again. Simmons appears in Ira's bakery and wants to talk things over. They are both funny and can make this work. Professionally, they both can make an excellent team. In the movie, during a heated exchange, Simmons lights into Ira and says he can hire anyone to be a decent personal assistant. In other words, Ira is expendable. But not really and Simmons realizes this after a while, knowing Ira has comic talent and has the fire to produce funny material for both of them. Ira shares Seth Rogen's personality in some ways.

This movie begins with old clips that Adam Sandler and his buddies used to do to unsuspecting call center personnel. Sandler did this before SNL I am sure. Perhaps he still does.

I allocate this movie 3 stars.***